Speak to Heal: Support Groups as a Haven for Suicide Survivors

There are three dates on the calendar that Anna, Miriam and Monica will never be able to forget. The days when his brother, sister and father, respectively, died by suicide. “I had a feeling that my life was over and that I would never be happy again,” says Mònica, whose father, Francesc, died in September 2020 at the age of 64. For her part, Anna wondered when she would smile again, as she did in the pictures, after mourning the death of her brother Danny, who was only 42 years old. And Miriam built a shell, which she believed to be indestructible, in order to continue a “normal life” and to overcome her sister Anna’s suicide as soon as possible (44).

In spite of everything, in the midst of the dark abyss of loss, where pain and grief seem endless, there are safe spaces to “speak freely” without fear of being “judged”: mutual support groups. In a society that often silences and stigmatizes the grief associated with this tragedy, these groups become havens of understanding, empathy, and companionship. Making the move isn’t always easy, but for the three protagonists, it ends up being their “salvation”, after losing loved ones throughout 2020.

According to INE’s interim results for 2022, a total of 4,097 people died by suicide, 94 more deaths – and 94 families destroyed – than the previous year (4,003). Far from declining, suicides have not stopped growing since 2018. Suicide is still the leading cause of unnatural death in Spain, and between the ages of 15 and 29, suicide is the leading cause of death.

“I cried with everything I had never cried before, and talked about everything I was silent about,” says Myriam, 41, when she attended her first one-on-one interview with the Catalan entity. After Suicide – Survivors Association (DSAS). A leading association providing support and accompaniment to family members who have lost a loved one to suicide, who are called survivors, because losing someone like this means surviving unanswered questions, guilt, stigma and social judgment.

I cried everything I had never cried before and spoke everything I kept silent.

Miriam, lost her sister AnnaSurvivor of suicide

Monica still remembers the day she came to the association holding hands with her sister and her mother. “We were awful. We needed to find a way, something to hold on to.” And they found it. “People want to help, but no one knows what to tell you. This was the first place I found people who understood what I was talking about,” he details.

This tragedy filled the lives of Anna, Miriam and Monica with pain and loneliness, but also left space for their lives to intersect and weave an unbreakable web between them. The person responsible for intertwining these paths was Ana Lara, her group coordinator at DSAS and also a suicide survivor. The association has five support groups, four monthly and one fortnightly, which are organized based on loss history and personal situations.

“They were a very simple group because there was a lot of chemistry between them and they helped each other,” Anna Lara says of these women who left the group meetings a little over a year ago. “In the end, I was just a bystander,” she admits, laughing, while others deny her and praise her role.

What they could now talk to a certain nature from before couldn’t even be mentioned. “Only 40 years ago, it was not even possible to bury people who died by suicide,” explains Anna Lara. The silence still holds today, and the first sessions are a sea of ​​tears as the survivors finally find that safe space where they can “free themselves.” “It helped me coming here to be able to speak out and say that my brother had committed suicide, and there was nothing wrong. I was afraid of feeling judged and kept silent, but I couldn’t take it inside anymore,” Anna admits.

The importance of validating feelings

By supporting people who have faced similar situations, these women have learned to embrace the idea that they are not responsible for the death of their loved one. They have learned to forgive themselves and to stop carrying a weight that is never their own.

The grief caused by the death of a loved one by suicide is a devastating and traumatic experience that often leaves behind a trail of incomprehensible feelings. The environment must be able to validate their emotions, whatever they may be, and accompany these people in their pain. Sometimes, just with a presence or a hug or a gesture,” the group coordinator details.

Anna Lara confirms that attending a group has been shown to work, although it’s not always the way for everyone. In addition to going to the Association, the three heroes tried to go to psychotherapy, but only one of them could afford it.

“They told me at the health center that they would put me on a waiting list and they would call me, but they didn’t,” says Miriam, who has three daughters and found it impossible to pay for a psychiatrist. Anna, on the other hand, had a specialist attended by the public, but told her she had not trained to grieve over suicide and gave her the call to DSAS. For her part, Monica was able to afford a psychiatrist, though she had a hard time getting along with anyone. “It is very sad, if you are not fortunate enough to be able to pay for it, that you bear it, and that the burden should fall on the associations.”

I’ve learned to manage it, but I’ll never get over it.”

Monica, she lost her father, FrancescSurvivor of suicide

Three years after losing their loved ones, they realize they are no longer the same. Loss by suicide has also taught them to better manage anxiety and to be able to live with it. But it also helped them be more self-satisfied and self-aware. Above all, they were able to remember their relatives in terms of their lives rather than how they died. “I like to talk about him and he is present at the conversations,” Anna admits to her older brother.

And though, one way or another, they will always be present, Mònica’s physical absence weighs on her every time she receives good news and she cannot call him and tell him. “I had a hard time understanding this and dealing with the pain of remembering his passing.” He adds, “I’ve learned to manage it so it doesn’t hurt me like it did before, but I’m never going to get over it.”

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